The school secretary (a very nice but slightly intimidating man with a paper-cost fixation) has been emailing me asking for a biography they can put on the school website. It was supposed to be done a month ago but got forgotten in the paper shuffling that is registration, training, and hiring. The biography is only supposed to be 150 words long--surely I've done enough to fill that much space-- but my delete button has been working in overtime trying to eradicate all traces of my personality from the words. Normally, I'm proud of my eccentricities but do I really want my student's parents to know that in the past month I have dabbled in both cross-dressing and pie-wrestling?
6:30 pm
So. Frustrated. Think I will go make some pasta.
6:35 pm
Okay, I can do this. I am a well-rounded modern woman with perfectly grown-up hobbies. My facebook page is set to private, anyway, so should be covered enough to convince people of this.
6:55 pm
"I'm very excited..."
"I grew up in..."
"My hobbies are..."
Oh gosh. My biography is so similar to the ones already online I could be plagiarizing from five different people at once. Maybe I'll talk about basketball? It's a new hobby but is surely an adult thing to like. Maybe will cause subconscious bond with students' parents who will instantly like me more and want me to teach their children and not be at all worried about my first-year-ness.
What if they try to talk to me about basketball? Would be exposed as a fraud. I know nothing about the rules. I just like to cheer and wear sporty t-shirts.
7:10 pm
Sophie has offered to write my biography for me. Love her. Brilliant girl.
Pasta water has completely boiled away! Am failure in the kitchen-- attention issues.Will be leaving that out of biography.
7:30 pm
Sophie's biography did not turn out how expected. Unusable for classroom but perhaps if put on OKCupid will draw interesting emails.
"May name is Much Bigger Desk, and I am the most badass teacher your students will ever have. When not in the classroom I dress like a male mexican, drool over barely-legal singing youths, cook fine meals, walk around all pretty, consult single co-eds on dating, read lots of books and stress over my classroom to my best friend. Two of my passions are traveling and teaching, and a few years ago I merged those two together for a fantastic Japan experience teaching English to cute little Asian kids. I managed to eat a few chicken feet and bugs too, as well as getting some weird skin rash...but don't worry, it doesn't flare up often and I don't think it's contagious. I'm not racist, and think all kids are cute. I am excited to work on tolerance and love in my classroom, bringing a murder-esque theme to the classroom to help all children realize that with the proper logic and sleuthing skills, they will get caught. My best friend, Sophie, is also excited for this school year, looks forward to meeting your students when she helps with the pet teacup piglet in my classroom. I think that together we can make this a truly special time for you and your child. If it's not, that is because you are a soulless excuse for a parent who doesn't appreciate my sweat and tears and desire to watch your child achieve and grow.
Here's to an exciting new year!
8:45pm
Sigh. Will be copying from my intro letter I mailed to parents. They can read it twice.
